• Have you seen the deer heads on the walls of bars, the one wearing party hats, sunglasses and streamers? I feel sorry for them because obviously they were at a party having a good time...-Ellen DeGeneres

• Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?-Jeff Foxworthy

• I'm on that diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost ten pounds and my driver's license.-Larry the Cable Guy

• How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.-Emo Philips

• Garbage men come at 5 a.m. Why? They're picking up garbage. It's not like it's going to go bad, again.-Dave Atell

• I will clean house when Sears makes a vacuum you can ride on.-Roseanne

• LEGO has announced that they are shutting down their U.S. factory and moving it to Mexico. LEGO employees say it's their fault because they made the factory too easy to take apart and rebuild somewhere else.-Conan O'Brien

• I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.-Mitch Hedberg

• You know, marriage is making a big comeback. I know personally that in Hollywood people are marrying people they never married before.-Bob Hope

• I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girls at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"-Jay Leno

• I constantly walk into a room and I don't remember why. But for some reason, I think there's going to be a clue in the fridge.-Caroline Rhea

• Have you ever noticed that anybody going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?-George Carlin

• You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you're 18. By the time you're 80, it's a picket fence.-Robin Williams

• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.-Woody Allen

• What I need is to find a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.-Mike Birbiglia

• Jews and blacks express our suffering differently-blacks develop the blues, while Jew complain. We just never though of putting it to music.-Jon Stewart

• When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child eventually.-Steve Wright

• In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him. They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them.-Brian Kiley

• First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have disease named after me.-Steve Martin

• My problem is I belong to so many anonymous groups, everybody knows who I am. -Nancy Redman

• If carrots are so good for your eyesight, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highways?-Richard Jeni

• What if there were no hypothetical situations?-John Mendoza

• Did you know that Americans spent $48 million on lottery tickets last year? "What are you doing for your retirement?" "UH, Powerball."-Wanda Sykes

• Women don't want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think-in a deeper voice.-Bill Cosby

• Gay people invented sports. Think about it. Boxing: two topless men in silk shorts...fight over a belt.-Ant

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman. "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.-Brian Kiley

• My wife has tons of credit cards. She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse points north.-Peter Sasso

• I didn't understand NASCAR until I met some NASCAR fans. You talk to a could of NASCAR fans and you will see where a shiny car driving in a circle would fascinate them all day. I can make fun of NASCAR fans because if they chase me, I just turn right.-Alonzo Bodden

• Batman never fights crime in neighborhoods that need it. I'd like to see Batman fight crime in my neighborhood. "Robin?" "Yes, Batman?" "Didn't we park the car right here, man?"-Dave Chappelle

• So they're showing me, on television, the detergents getting out bloodstains. I mean, come on, you got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it. Maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.-Jerry Seinfeld

• At what age do you tell a highway it's adopted? I think around seven because that's when they start wondering. Hey, I don't look like the Kiwanis Club.-Zach Galifianakis

• Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I wear a scent called "new-car interior."-Rita Rudner

• I had my identity stolen a few months ago, and my credit actually improved. I'm dating now, have a new car. Life is good.-Steve Moris

• A new computer virus is going around. Office workers everywhere will now be forced to play solitaire with real cards.-Craig Kilborn

• Your marriage is in trouble if you wife says, "You're only interested in one things," and you can't remember what it is.-Milton Berle

• The problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.-Robin Williams

• Michael Jackson is the spokesperson for people who cut off their noses to spite their face.-Dennis Miller

• You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.-Joan Rivers

• I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled up magazine.-Will Shriner

• You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.-Jeff Foxworthy

• Don't touch that dial. And, if your TV has a dial, go buy a new one.-Stephen Colbert

• I asked my brother-in-law why he was wearing a raincoat. He answered, "You wouldn’t want me to get your suit wet, would you?"-Henry Youngman

• I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that make him the dominant species. That may be, but I think there's on other thing: We aren’t afraid of vacuum cleaners.-Jeff Stilson

• Men can read maps better than women. 'Cause only the male mind could conceive of one inch equaling a hundred miles.-Rosanne

• I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned... and you know my attorney, Mr. Cohen."-Bill Maher

• When I was in London, I went to buy some chocolates. The cashier was like, "That will be ten pounds." I'm like "Rub it in, why don't you?"-Carol Leifer

• Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do-Jason Love

• As long as there is algebra, there will be prayer in schools.-Larry Miller

• NASA says they have proof that parts of Mars were once submerged under water, which means it could have supported life. Of course, water doesn't always mean intelligent life-you remember Baywatch?-Jay Leno
(Source:  Reader's Digest 2007)